The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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