Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
