Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize