sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
