No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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