Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
