Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And then he peed in my hair
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