Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Randomize
