I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
