farters have to be the big spoon...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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