I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
