who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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