Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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