Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
