youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
