If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
