Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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