Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
