I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
sex in a hospital.. check
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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