Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I sprained my soul last night
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
