I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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