Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
