Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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