The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
