Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
