she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
