my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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