I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
