Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
