She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
