maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
