Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize