moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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