if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
