I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
