there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In other news, I just burned my penis
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
