I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i've created a new STD.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bring me that man meat
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
