I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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