i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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