You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
