i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
