i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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