if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
