I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize