batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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