I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
