Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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