She's JV to your varsity
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
