Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
