Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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