wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
