Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
