I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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