Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
