You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
