see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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