im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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